“What sort of person were you 20 years ago?” Good question. Personally, I was younger (obviously!), I had fewer grey hairs, more hair and less waist for a start. I was not (yet) ordained – 3 months to go and a darned sight more opinionated. In some ways that was good e.g I was far more passionately political and ken to change the world. And in other ways it was bad. I was terribly opposed to Women’s ordination and vocal about it.
But was I happier? Not really. I was still seeking the burning ecstasy of God, the transforming fire in both my emotional and religious life that would conform the World to vision god and I shared. Compromise wasn’t on the agenda. I’d read Jeremiah and grown up in Thatcher’s Britain. “There is No Alternative” Victory was to be total or not worth having.
Now my skin fits me better. God is a place where I can relax and be rather than a standard against which I measure myself and fall short. God is a person who loves even me rather than judges. God is a journey with rather than a journey to.
Still, thinking back isn’t always comfortable – like the song said:
“Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember…
The way we were…”